Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Google Schmoogle

I often think Google's famed 'search algorithms' are complete and utter bollocks.

Why do I say this? Well, over the years I've worked my ass off SEO-ing various websites I've created and I've found little evidence that the optimisations I've done made any difference. I've extensively read Google's 'how-to's' and lurked many forums getting advice from gurus, I've kept up with the ever-changing 'techniques' required for SEO due to Google changing said 'algorithms', with little to no success.

Personally I think it's a bit of code that simply says: "Randomise the results for the non-paying peons and whoever pays the most, put them on the first page of the sponsored links", probably written on a piece of bog roll and stored in Google's massive vault, where they keep all their gold… looked after by a Goblin legion.

Organic listings? My arse…

And Google Analytics? These days you need to degree in rocket science to understand it all, there's way too much information and you have to wade through it all to get to the pertinent stuff. In fact, the only useful logistic is the sessions visit timeline at the top which is what you see first when Analytics loads (which only interests me when I see spikes in visits), so I bet most people never bother with the rest, I know I don't, not these days… I used to but I didn't like the nodding off from sheer boredom it caused.

I mean, people scan webpages, they never read them, they simply scan through it all until they get the info they need then they move on and everyone does this, so the Analytics data always shows a high short time drop off but Google wants you to think that you need to put more content in to keep the reader hooked. Well I'm sorry Google but unless it contains porn, they'll never be hooked.

I sometimes wonder if Analytics wasn't created by humans but some biomechanical spawn of Google's mass of datacentres.

But above all, it's all about the wonga, pay them enough money and you'll always be on top.